I need to talk about this..

So im 19 years old and I lost my virginity last night. with someone ive been crushin a while ago. and it sucked...and it was just so painful. so so painful...we did it twice.

we were with a bunch of friends paartyiing in his place and when they left to pick up something to eat he told me we should go upstairs to his room,, of course I knew something was gonna happend but I didnt think i was going to accept. I dont know i just didnt sayy No.  and the humilliating part is that our friends came a little early and quietly and they overheard the show... and now some of them think im some easy pick slut.

well "A" and I arent an item, were not serious...so i feel a little like thAT. I know im not in love with him i just liked him alot.

of course  he said a bunch of things Im not sure i can believe, like how I was special to him, that how he really needed me. like it was his firt time too, (that I just do not believe, why the fuck lie??), he live outta town and he satays herefor school, so he left this morning. h also said he was going to text me often, that he was going to visit .

and he did text me this morning..just to ask how I was, and to tell me that last nig was really specia to him, (even when it wasnt even good but whatever) he said his cell credit was limited, that he was going to fiz that later ad text me again...so far he hasnt.

and I feel soo used.

I didnt feel so bad until i talked to my friend who was one of the guys that cought us...and how she felt a little badfor me, beacuse it seemed that A only wanted to fuck me. that he had asked to other friend of mine if she thought that _I would hook up with him, and that he bought condoms before the party..

I just dont know what to think....and i hate myself for waiting for a tex but i am.

i feel like shit right now...what do  you guys think i would love some advice

Sometimes I want to Shout "Fuck Off" so badly that containing myself from doing so just fucking kills me.

I've turned into a house wife, a fucking premature boring house wife, and I'm not even 20 years old. well I'd rather be a house keeper, house wife sounds twisted, I live with my dad and two younger siblings.

Since mum got sick I took care of the house, barely so then, just some more chores. And when she died, well someone's got to do it, I do everything.  And I don't mind. I have come to like it even, I take my I-pod and begin to clean from the kitchen to the bathrooms and the laundry. I can stand when it's messy.

But the thing is I would like my family to just bloody aprecciate it a fucking bit.

I can't stand my dad. I can't stan him, it always has been like that and i don't think that will ever change. I love him, of course, but I dont like him, he's bossy, self.centered and he does treats me like I'm a maid, at least maids get fucking paid. Oh, and I never do anything right.

It seems unlikely that the people you live with sometimes are the ones who don't have a clue who you are.

I'm so sick of my dad patronizing me. he thinks I'm dumb, he wants me to still have a curfew, and tells me when to go to bed..of course I told him to sod off with that already, well not quite like that but he still treats me like a child.

I just don't know how to put it, he has this image of me, I'm useless, I'm not very bright, I'm not old enough to decide how to live.  and that's just not true. fuck it I would have kill myself if I were the girl he thinks I am.

One day we had a disscution and he said "I know you more than you know yourself" I though I was going to die.

Really he drives me crackers.  and what I hate the most is that I still fear him like when I was little I cant stand him yelling at meand he says such hurtful things.

In other aspects, I dont know what's exactly wrong with me. I'm sick I feel dizzy all the time, I'm not doing good at college at all, never mind that I hate the career I'm in. I'm depressed

I need something in my life.

i know how pathetic it sounds but I feel so alone. proof I vent my discomfort in a blog. there's no one I can talk to.

but then I'm not a drepessive person, I know it could be worse and believe me I dont like to complain, whine and bitch. but sometimes the thoughts I keep unsaid are so heavy they smother me.

It's official there's nothing exiting in my life now.

I just got to change that. Fuck I have issues.